Snape Becomes a Fundamentalist Christian
by Werd
Summary: Potions Master Severus Snape becomes a fundementalist Christian! News at Eleven! Actually, news inside this story.


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If you feel this story will offend you, then I reccomend you do not read it. It is not meant as an attack.  
  
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Rated R for some swearing, including uses of the F-word.  
  
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Snape Becomes a Fundamentalist Christian  
  
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Snape was sitting in his chambers twiddling his thumbs and thinking up new ways to be evil when there was a nock at his door. Snape got up and went to the door. He didn't see anyone. He looked down and saw a pocket sized comic book labled, "Bad Bob!" and it had a drawing of a biker on the cover. Snape frowned and opened the comic. The story was about a mean man who became a Christian.  
  
Snape started crying as he read the last pages. He gasped and shook his head back and forth, his eyes widening. "From this day onward, Severus Snape is starting a new life!" he said.  
  
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The next day....  
  
Harry was talking to Ron and Hermione in Potions, when Snape walked in. The entire class turned to look at him, their mouths hanging open. Snape was wearing a green sweater like Ned Flanders, over a white robe with the words "Praise Jesus!" emroidered all over it. He had a gold cross around his neck and a bible in his hand. He was smiling.  
  
None of the students said anything, too shocked to speak. They continued gaping and staring at him as he walked behind his desk.  
  
"Hello!" he said, enthusiastically. The kids kept staring. "How you kids doing today?" said Snape. There was no response. "God bless you." said Snape, still smiling. Snape lifted the bible. "Now, does everybody know what this is?" said Snape. The kids started looking at eachother in their shared shock. "This here...is the word of God. This is what I turned to yesterday, when I was saved by the Lord. And today, I'm gonna tell you all about it." said Snape. Suddenly, Harry aimed his wand at Snape. "Who are you? What'd you do with Snape?" said Harry.  
  
"Oh, gosh. Kids, before we get started, I do have to tell you something. I am so sorry for the way I've behaved these years gone by. But you see, I wasn't saved. Let this be a lesson to you all. You have my most humblest apologies. Now, with the Lord in my life, I am no longer gripped by hatred!" said Snape. Harry looked helplessly at Hermione, as if she could explain somehow. Hermione just looked at him with lost, fearful eyes.  
  
"Now, let me read to you from this great book." said Snape, opening the bible. Snape spent the rest of Potions reading the bible to them. At the end of the lesson, everyone scrambled to get up, but Snape held out his hands. "One minute, children. Now is the most important part of class. Are you all ready to accept the Lord as your saviour?" said Snape.  
  
Draco Malfoy, who'd been weeping since the begining of class, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET US GO?!? LET US GO FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"   
  
"Tut, TUT, Draco! That'll be detention. You can emroider some sweaters for your fellow students with the words, 'Praise Jesus'!" Snape said cheerfully.   
  
"Come on, now, everybody accept Jesus!" said Snape, looking around the room. "I don't want to!" snarled some Slytherin.  
  
"Are you an evolutionist?" asked Snape.  
  
"A what?" asked the Slytherin.  
  
"I'm a Buddhist." said Neville.  
  
Snape lifted an eyebrow. He walked over to Neville, and bended over to look into his face. "Well, do you want to go to hell, Neville?" asked Snape. "Can't, can't you just leave me alone about my personal ch-choices!" Neville said, shaking as he stood up for himself. "No, I can't. It's a fact that you're going to hell. Now, do you want to go to hell?" Snape asked. He was reminding Harry of a cross between the old Snape and Umbridge, with a religious twist.  
  
"I want you out of my business!" Neville said. Snape stood up. "Hmm, then I guess you're going to need to...GO TO OUR CHRISTIAN HO DOWN THAT WE'RE HAVING THIS SATURDAY!!" Snape said, looking at the class. "Aren't you all enthused?! I just thought it up! It'll be...'rad'. You WILL all be there!" said Snape in a chipper voice.   
  
"Prof, Professor Snape, we're gonna be late for our next class." said Ron, starting to stand up. "Oh, nonsense Ronald! Your next class isn't more important that God, you know!" Snape said, beaming and laughing. The students looked at eachother again as Snape locked the door. Snape walked over behind his desk. He pulled out a boombox and then took a CD out of his pocket.  
  
Snape put in the CD and looked at the class, laughing. "Just listen to music inspired by our Lord!" Snape said with great happiness.   
  
"Jesus is alive and he's walking with me, he's talking with me in his spirit!" sang a woman in a high, perky voice.  
  
Snape began to sing along. "Jesus is alive and he's walking with me, he's talking with me in his spirit!" he sang. "Come on, class! Tee hee, isn't it amazing?!" said Snape, he lifted his arms and began moving them around like an orchestra conductor, grinning at the class. "Come on, kids, come on, it's 'cool'." Snape said. Nobody said anything. Draco wailed loudly, his head on his desk.  
  
"Everyone sing the lord's praises, or you'll get detention." smiled Snape.  
  
Half the class started singing along, but half still refused.  
  
"That's ok, I will make you!" smiled Snape, and he cast a spell that forced them all to sing along. Snape went on singing, and they sang the entire song.  
  
Snape removed the spell. "Now, say, 'That was wonderful'!" Snape ordered, still smiling. About a third of the class did so.  
  
"Say, 'That was wonderful'." Snape repeated. "STUFF IT!!" roared Malfoy. "Mr. Malfoy, step up here." said Snape. Malfoy gave him the middle finger. Snape cast a spell that brought Malfoy up to his desk. Snape pulled out a large wooden paddle from his robes.   
  
"What the fuck?!" said Malfoy.  
  
The whole class was gaping again.  
  
Snape stood up and walked around to Malfoy. Malfoy was just about to run off when Snape did a spell that held him in place. "Let's cure you of your attitude problem." said Snape. He began beating Malfoy on the butt with the paddle. "Aaahh! Aaahhh!!" said Malfoy in shock and pain.  
  
Finally, Snape stopped and released Malfoy from the spell. Snape smiled at the rest of the class. "Now, children, off you go to your next class! And don't forget, WE'VE GOT A CHRISTIAN HO DOWN ON SATURDAY!!" Snape said.  
  
Everyone jammed together, trying to get out the door. Malfoy ran off down the hall.  
  
"What...in...the...bloody...HELL?" said Hermione. "Is going ON?!" Ron added. "I don't know, but somebody has to stop it." said Harry.  
  
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That weekend, the Christian Ho Down began. It was in the great hall, and there were signs everywhere that read "PRAISE JESUS", and "WE ARE ALL CHRISTIANS", and "BAD BUDDHISTS GO TO HELL!!".   
  
Snape had done a spell that night that made every fifth year dorm room doorknob into a portkey that sent the students into the great hall. Snape had also locked all the exits. Students began popping up in the hall, looking confused. Snape, smiling broadly at them, sent all their wands flying into a net he had set up.  
  
"Ready to boogie for the Lord?" asked Snape. He turned on some music when alot of people had arrived. There was Kool Aid and Tasty Kakes on a snack table.  
  
As a horribly sung, barely musical version of "The Ten Commandments" started playing, Snape aimed his wand at the crowd. "Time to dance!" he said happily. "You can't make us do this!!" Neville said, indignantly, barging up to Snape. Snape kept smiling and cocked his head slightly. "Of course I can, Neville, that's just what I'm doing. I'm an adult, you are a child." said Snape. "We still have rights!!" exclaimed Hermione, storming up beside Neville. "Silence, female child, or I will silence you." smiled Snape. Ron was just about to explode at Snape, when Harry grabbed Ron's arm and shook his head. "Wait!" hissed Harry. "Now, the dance floor awaits!" said Snape, pointing. "My foot up your ass awaits!" Hermione spat. Snape immediatly lifted his wand. "Silencio." he said. He turned to Neville. "Silencio." he said. "You will have detention, Hermione, but for now...It's time to dance!" said Snape. He did another spell that forced her to walk out on the dance floor and then tap both feet on the ground.  
  
Neville turned to Snape with utter rage on his face. Snape did a spell that forced Neville into a corner of the room. "I'll have a talk with you, Neville." said Snape. He turned back to the rest of the room. "But now, children, dancing begins!" Snape said. One boy nervously got into the waltzing position with the girl next to him, his girlfriend. Snape was immediatley apon him. The boy felt a sharp pain as Snape lashed his hand with a jet of green from his wand. "NEVER, NEVER TOUCH A FEMALE!!" Snape said.  
  
"Yes...sir..." said the boy, wide eyed and terrified.   
  
"Very good." smiled Snape, shoving the boy away from the girl. He turned to the girl. "Harlets are of Satan, understand?! Say it!!" said Snape. "Ha...Harlets are of Satan." she said. Snape smiled again. "The Lord loves you." he said. He walked back over to the boombox.  
  
"It's time for you children to have some fun! You know what that means?! Hokey Pokey!!" Snape said. He switched the songs on the cd player. The Hokey Pokey started to play. "Go on!! It's a party!!" said Snape. Some of the kids started to go along, including Harry and Ron. Snape put a spell on the rest to force them to dance the Hokey Pokey. "That's it!" he laughed. Snape sat down and watched them all, when the dance was done, Snape put the same song on again. "HOOOKEEY POOOKEEEYYY!!" he shouted to the students. Snape remembered something and turned around. He got up and walked over to Neville, who was still being held in place by the spell. Snape smiled at Neville. "Hello, Buddhist." he said. Neville snarled at him. "Like Buddha, do you?" said Snape. Snape reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of tongs, which were holding a small cross. Snape touched the cross to Neville's hand, and Neville dissapeared.  
  
Neville found himself in the middle of Aragog's lair.  
  
Snape walked infront of the snack table and continued surveying the dancing students. "Aaah, I love a Christian party." Snape said.  
  
Harry looked at Ron and they nodded at eachother. They broke away from the Hokey Pokey and walked over to Snape, grinning. "Gosh, sir!! This is a great party!" said Ron. "If only I had known about Our Lord sooner!" said Harry. Snape's chest rose in satisfaction. "See? I told you you'd love the Lord." said Snape. "We DO!!" said Harry. Ron nodded vigorously. "We just wanted to thank you, Professor Snape, thank you so much for showing us the way." said Harry. Snape nodded, almost haughtily.   
  
"Sir? Can we give you a hug?" asked Harry. Ron's smile twisted just slightly but stayed in place. Snape looked at both of them, still smiling, and said, "Sure, lads! As long as neither one of you has been sinning in the lifestyle of sodamy!"  
  
"Er, that's right." said Harry. "Yheah." said Ron. "Well, haha!" said Snape, opening his arms. Ron and Harry threw their arms around him. Their hands suddenly scrambled into Snape's pockets, searching for his wand. "I'VE GOT IT!!" Ron yelled. Harry looked. "THAT'S NOT HIS WAND!!" Harry yelled."AAAHHH!! SODOMITES!!" screamed Snape. In horror, Ron recoiled his hand at lightning speed. Harry felt the wand in Snape's other pocket and grabbed it, quickly stepping backwards. "What the--" said Snape. Harry aimed the wand at Snape. "STUPEF--" Harry said, but an instant before he could finish the spell, that kid from Order of the Phoenix who kept arguing with Harry about the DA club tackled Harry. "I AM A FOLLOWER OF OUR LORD!!" the kid screamed. Ron grabbed the kid and threw him off of Harry, but as he did, Snape reached down and grabbed his wand out of Harry's hand.  
  
"So...Satanists, I see." said Snape, his voice calm, aiming his wand at Ron and Harry. Suddenly, Albus Dumbledore barged into the room, getting through Snape's magically sealed door.  
  
"Hello, Severus, nice party." said Dumbledore, smiling. "Oh!" said Snape, his voice turning totally jolly again. "Hello, Headmaster Dumbledore! As you can see, I'm throwing a party for the children, in Christ. They're having a ripping good time being obedient of the Lord!!" said Snape. "Yes, Severus, I heard about your party. Severus, I'm assuming you've read the bible." said Dumbledore.   
  
"Oh, absolutely, the Old and New Testament. You should try reading them, they're the word of the Lord! Hahaha!" said Snape, happily.   
  
"Then you read that the bible condemns witchcraft." said Dumbledore.  
  
"Well, er, uh, I forgot that part." said Snape.   
  
Dumbledore tapped his own head several times. "It's something to think about. You see, you can't possibly be a fundamentalist Christian and practice witchcraft at the same time." said Dumbledore.  
  
"Er, uh..." said Snape, looking confused, his face stricken with a panicky expression. Dumbledore turned around and removed spell that made the children dance, then did a spell to turn off the music. All the students turned to look at Snape. "Er, ah...uh..." said Snape. Dumbledore looked at him and nodded a bit. "Er, er, ertz...I don't care! Christianity is my life! I am a fundementalist!" said Snape, suddenly smiling again and looking totally vapid. Dumbledore frowned. "I'm always gonna be a fundamentalist! Serve Christ forever! Praise Jesus! Now, where's that music?!" said Snape.   
  
Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy burst into the room through the door Dumbledore had opened, Draco Malfoy at his side. Lucius, his clenched teeth bared, his face in utter rage, stormed up to Snape.  
  
"YOU--PADDLED--MY--SON?!" Lucius said furiously, through his clenched teeth.  
  
"Hm?! Er, oh, well, yes. The boy was behaving in a way unChristia--" said Snape.   
  
Lucius pulled his wand and aimed it at Snape's heart. "ADAVERA KADAVERA!!!" he roared. Snape fell dead to the floor.  
  
That was the end of the party.  
  
The next night during dinner, Neville Longbottom returned from the Forbidden Forest, looking tattered and torn and like an action hero who'd just walked out of the rubble of an explosion, and sat down at the table as everyone applauded.  
  
The end. 


End file.
